Choosing Yourself Isn’t Selfish—It’s Essential for Well-Being

Consistently placing others’ well-being ahead of one’s own can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and emotional depletion, according to Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW. Her guidance on overcoming codependency emphasizes that choosing oneself is neither selfish nor incompatible with caring for others.

What Choosing Yourself Actually Means

Choosing yourself involves concrete, daily actions: asking for what you need; standing up for yourself; validating your feelings; caring for your body, mind, and spirit; treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer a close friend; setting clear boundaries; staying aligned with your core values and beliefs; and doing what is genuinely right for you. These behaviors reflect an understanding that your needs and well-being hold equal weight to those of others.

Why It Feels Difficult

Many struggle to choose themselves because they equate self-prioritization with selfishness or uncaring behavior. Yet Martin clarifies that healthy adult relationships require reciprocity—not constant self-sacrifice. While temporarily postponing personal needs to support others is appropriate in context, repeated compromise without restoration harms physical and emotional health.

Another barrier is a deeply held belief that one does not matter—that worth must be earned, or that comparisons to others render one’s opinions, needs, feelings, and boundaries irrelevant. Such beliefs may stem from past experiences where a person was treated as unimportant—or explicitly told they did not matter. Martin notes these beliefs, though painful, are changeable through cognitive awareness and behavioral reinforcement.

Building Inherent Worth Through Action

To shift internal narratives, Martin recommends observing thoughts without automatic acceptance—questioning their origin and factual accuracy. She stresses that long-held self-perceptions may reflect others’ opinions rather than objective reality, and that individuals retain agency in choosing beliefs that affirm their inherent worth.

Equally important is behavioral alignment: acting as though you matter. This includes eating when hungry, resting when tired, exercising, acknowledging emotions, engaging in simple pleasures, spending time in nature, pursuing hobbies, connecting with supportive people, expressing opinions, enforcing boundaries, offering self-compassion during difficulty, and journaling. Martin advises selecting two or three such actions to practice daily—and following through.

Relationships and Assertiveness

Fear often arises that asserting one’s needs will damage relationships. Martin acknowledges that some resistance may occur—but distinguishes this from genuine harm. Healthy relationships rest on mutual respect and shared support. People who care about you want you to speak up, meet your needs, and grow into a more confident, fulfilled, and independent version of yourself.

Conversely, relationships in which others prefer passivity—or show indifference to your happiness, fulfillment, or confidence—warrant careful reflection. Martin asks: Why maintain closeness with someone who desires so little for you? Even without external encouragement or permission, individuals retain full authority to begin choosing themselves—starting with one small, intentional step.