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Friday, 9 October 2026dailybeirut.com
Culture & Society
Experts advise long-term couples to abandon the expectation of spontaneous arousal and instead schedule sensual activities to rebuild sexual connection.
Long-term partners often find themselves trapped in low-sex or sexless relationships because they wait passively for arousal to strike. Cheryl Fraser, a Ph.D., argues that this approach is flawed. Instead of expecting desire to arrive before intimacy begins, couples should cultivate responsive desire. This method involves initiating physical connection first, allowing arousal to follow as a reaction to touch and closeness.
Many couples assume that making love should only happen when desire appears spontaneously. They recall the early stages of their relationship, where a single kiss could trigger intense passion, and believe this dynamic should persist indefinitely. Sex therapists label this initial drive as spontaneous desire. While common at the start of a romance, it frequently diminishes over time. As a result, initiation stops, weeks turn into months, and the sexual relationship may nearly vanish.
Fraser’s interviews with more than 40,000 couples reveal that up to 35 percent of those in longer-term partnerships are not having sex at all. Clinicians define low-sex and sexless relationships differently, but her surveys show that going months or years without intimacy is common among long-term partners. One couple she worked with had stopped making love in their 40s and did not resume until their 70s. For decades, they even changed clothes separately to avoid seeing each other naked. After using Fraser’s "three keys to passion" model, which includes communication and thrill, they rebuilt their sensual connection. They now walk around the house naked and engage in playful physical contact.
Spontaneous desire is just one type of sexual motivation. It feels obvious because most people expect to feel turned on before approaching a partner. However, bodies, hormones, responsibilities, and energy levels change over time. For many, spontaneous desire becomes unreliable. If partners continue waiting for it to appear magically, they may wait a very long time for intimacy.
Responsive desire operates differently. It requires action to create arousal in response to a choice. Researcher Rosemary Basson describes starting from sexual neutrality, meaning the individual is not yet turned on. Partners might begin a sensual encounter because they value their connection, enjoy the process once started, seek closeness, or recognize the benefits for their relationship. As kissing, touching, or cuddling begins, the mind becomes interested and the body responds, allowing pleasure to build.
Advice to schedule sex often sounds unromantic. Passion ideally feels spontaneous, and when spontaneous desire occurs, it should be enjoyed fully. However, maintaining a consistent erotic life may require stopping the expectation that desire must precede action. If intercourse feels like too large a step, couples can schedule other forms of pleasurable sensuality. Options include naked cuddling, spooning, back strokes, foot rubs, or showering together. The goal is not to force sex but to create opportunities for rediscovering touch, pleasure, and connection.
Fraser compares responsive desire to going to the gym. Most people do not wake up excited about lifting weights. They go because they know it is beneficial and will likely feel better afterward. Rarely does someone leave an exercise session regretting the effort. Sex can function similarly. A partner might start thinking they are not in the mood, but after beginning to touch, their body may respond and their mind may become interested. Afterwards, they may feel glad they participated.
Rather than waiting for desire to rescue a sex life, couples should give responsive desire a place to begin. Tonight, inviting a sweetheart to join in the shower, soaping each other’s bodies, and letting daily stress dissolve can help create a satisfying encounter. Like all aspects of passion, sensuality requires effort, but it is worth the investment.
