Radical acceptance aids adult children of gray divorce

Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, and Bruce R. Fredenburg, M.S., LMFT, address the lingering trauma experienced by adult children following their parents' late-life separations. Often referred to as "gray divorce," these high-conflict splits can leave offspring stuck in grief for many years after the legal proceedings conclude.

The burden of unresolved grief

Olivia, a 25-year-old patient, entered the therapy session accompanied by Friede, the clinician’s therapy dog. She noted that an animal companion at her rehabilitation facility had significantly aided her recovery through unconditional presence. Olivia disclosed that she is an only child whose family structure fractured when her parents divorced at age 50, while she was 10. The separation involved over eight years of intense conflict, requiring the appointment of a minor's counsel to assist her.

Relatives aligned themselves with either parent, subjecting Olivia to constant negative commentary from both sides. She described the environment as a war zone where she felt isolated. The visual symbol of her extended family—a portrait hanging above the fireplace—disappeared, leaving a blank space that mirrored her internal emptiness. This loss of identity drove her to struggle through higher education and eventually led to alcohol use during college. After treatment, she achieved sobriety but continued to feel trapped by the past.

Confronting the reality of loss

During the session, Olivia expressed anger toward the adults who seemed oblivious to her suffering. She recalled feeling abandoned as family members on both sides moved on with their lives, comparing their departure to the parting of the Red Sea. Hughes introduced a quote by Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison describing grief as having no bottom or top, only circles of sorrow. Olivia recognized this description as accurate to her experience, acknowledging that she had been grieving continuously for years.

Hughes highlighted Olivia’s resilience, noting her pursuit of healing despite the pain. The therapist referenced Alcoholics Anonymous’ Serenity Prayer, which emphasizes accepting what cannot be changed. Olivia admitted that the concept of acceptance made her sad because it implied she was stuck due to her resistance to reality. She struggled with the idea of receiving the facts of her parents' divorce without approval or agreement.

Practicing radical acceptance

To clarify the therapeutic approach, Hughes explained that the word "accept" derives from Latin roots meaning "to take to oneself" or "to receive," rather than "to agree." Radical acceptance involves facing reality without resisting it. Fifteen years prior, Olivia could not have received the forced divorce and its consequences. As an adult, however, she has the capacity to open her hands to the fact that the events occurred, rather than keeping them closed in resistance.

Following this guidance, Olivia physically shifted her posture, turning her palms upward on her lap. Friede rested his head between her hands, creating a moment of shared presence. Several minutes later, Olivia reported sensing a new level of serenity previously absent from her understanding of the prayer. She expressed willingness to maintain this open stance, marking a shift from struggling against the past to acknowledging it.