Research: Refusing Forgiveness May Boost Self-Perception

The common phrase “I forgive, but I don’t forget” carries emotional weight that extends beyond simple memory. While forgiveness does not require erasing past infractions, the addition of “but I don’t forget” signals a shift in trust dynamics rather than a literal statement about cognitive retention. This linguistic nuance suggests that while one may choose to forgive, the relationship’s foundation has permanently altered.

Trust vs. Forgiveness Dynamics

Trust and forgiveness do not always operate in parallel. Acknowledging that something has changed—perhaps irreversibly—is often the true intent behind the “don’t forget” clause. Individuals may forgive an offense yet remain cautious, recognizing that broken trust requires more than a verbal absolution to repair. This distinction highlights the vulnerability inherent in forgiving someone who has caused harm.

Viewing forgiveness as a binary endpoint creates unnecessary psychological pressure. If people believe they must successfully complete forgiveness to move on, recurring hurt can lead to self-doubt and frustration. Conceptualizing forgiveness as a process, similar to grief, allows for the resurfacing of pain without implying failure. The alternative—an all-or-nothing mindset—burdens those already wronged with the expectation of timely and total resolution.

Benefits of Refusal

While interpersonal forgiveness is linked to greater psychological well-being in existing literature, recent findings suggest a different perspective. A series of three studies by Quinney and colleagues (2026) examined the outcomes of offering forgiveness, explicitly refusing it, or taking no action. Compared to doing nothing, participants who refused to forgive reported a stronger sense of acting in accordance with their values.

In some cases, this refusal was associated with a heightened sense of personal power. These immediate positive feelings contributed to better self-perception in the moment. The researchers clarify that refusing to forgive is distinct from holding a grudge or endlessly ruminating on the offense. However, the long-term benefits of such refusal remain unclear.

Reframing the Process

Honesty about one’s readiness to forgive may be more beneficial than performing forgiveness out of obligation. Admitting “I’m not ready to forgive you” avoids the disconnect between stated intentions and internal reality. This approach aligns with the understanding that communication should prioritize transparency and self-awareness.

Practical steps for navigating these emotions include allowing time for both oneself and the offending party. An apology is not a transactional guarantee of immediate forgiveness; the injured party controls their own timeline. Furthermore, remembering the hurt may serve a protective function, offering lessons that inform future boundaries. The defensive “but” in the original saying may be unnecessary if forgiveness and remembrance are viewed as compatible rather than conflicting states.

A more accurate maxim might be: “Remember what was. Forgive at your pace.” This phrasing acknowledges the complexity of the psychological process without forcing a premature resolution.

• Bono, G., McCullough, M. E., & Root, L. M. (2008). Forgiveness, feeling connected to others, and well-being: Two longitudinal studies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(2), 182–195.
• Freedman, S., & Enright, R. D. (2020). A review of the empirical research using Enright’s process model of interpersonal forgiveness. In E. L. Worthington, Jr. & N. G. Wade (Eds.), Handbook of forgiveness (2nd ed., pp. 266–276). Routledge.
• Quinney, B., Zubielevitch, E., & Okimoto, T. G. (2026). Refusing to forgive can have psychological benefits. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 122, 104848.