Three Ways Parental Apologies Backfire With Adult Children

Three recurring flaws undermine parental apologies to adult children, according to clinical psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein: apologies that secretly demand emotional relief, those burdened with excessive justification, and those delivered on the parent’s timeline—not the child’s.

Bernstein, author of You Ruined My Life—Now You Owe Me!, documents how repeated apologies often intensify distance. He cites the case of “Leah,” a mother who apologized three times in one year to her 27-year-old son Dan for being overly strict during his upbringing. Each apology—phrased as “I’m sorry I made you feel that way”—correlated with increased withdrawal. After the third, Dan ceased responding to Leah’s texts and calls for several weeks. When he eventually replied, he described the apologies as artificial and performative, telling her, “‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ does not cut it.”

Why “I’m Sorry” Can Feel Like a Demand

Parents frequently mistake apology-making for relationship repair—but Bernstein observes that many “I’m sorry” statements function less as accountability and more as implicit requests. The underlying message, he notes, is often “please forgive me so I can stop feeling bad.” That framing shifts emotional labor onto the adult child, who then absorbs the parent’s discomfort instead of receiving genuine acknowledgment of harm. From the child’s perspective, the apology lands not as remorse but as another expectation to fulfill.

How “But” Erases the Apology

When explanations follow an apology—especially those beginning with “but”—the statement ceases to register as contrition. Examples Bernstein cites include “I’m sorry I was so strict, but I was scared for you” and “I’m sorry about the divorce, but your father and I tried everything we could.” In each instance, the clause after “but” reframes the parent’s behavior as reasonable or unavoidable, effectively negating the apology’s core admission. As Bernstein puts it: “The moment that dreaded ‘but’ shows up, the apology is over in your adult child’s ears and mind.”

The Timing Trap

Apologies triggered by parental guilt—after a difficult phone call, a sleepless night, or a resurfacing memory—are rarely well-received. They arrive uninvited and impose additional emotional work on the adult child, who may already be managing significant personal stress. Bernstein emphasizes that a more effective apology is concise, free of self-defense, and makes no demands. He offers this alternative: “I’ve thought about how strict I was when you were growing up. I was wrong, and I understand if it still affects you.” Then, he stresses, the parent must stop speaking—the silence itself becomes part of the respect.

Bernstein’s central argument is that no number of apologies overrides inconsistent behavior. “You can’t out-explain or over-apologize your way out of the past,” he writes. “You can only demonstrate, consistently and without announcing it, that you’ve changed, and let your adult child decide, on their own timeline, when to believe it.”